I'm not a bad person...
Wednesday, Jun. 15, 2005 @ 12:05 a.m.
I'm so angry right now, and I hate when I get like this because I don't know how to let it out. I've screamed a couple of times and let out the tears, but my heart still hurts. I guess I'm getting over it now, I dunno. I'll just write about what was on my mind earlier...I have a problem, and I just don't know what to do about it. I try to change people. I've always been like that, but I guess it's taken me 19 years to finally see just how big of a problem it is. I don't know why I do it, but I always want to change people into how I think they should be. Like if I think someone is doing something harmful to themselves, I want to change them to make them stop. I try to change my friends, my family, everyone. My mom even says that I date guys who I think need "saving." I'm so frusturated because I don't understand where this need to change everyone comes from. And it's just been getting more and more intense, and in the end, I end up hurting myself most. Like with my friends, lately I've had this new crowd of friends that likes to drink and smoke weed a lot and stuff. I guess I've never really hung out with people who do that, but this is college, so of course I run into it a lot now. But I get so upset because some of my friends do it everyday. I have other friends that don't do it that much, so it doesn't bother me as much. It's the ones that I feel like drown themselves in this stuff that always bothers me. And I know like smoking weed doesn't really hurt anyone or anything, and my friends have always been able to handle themselves and their limits and stuff, but inside I've always been bothered by it. And I just feel like such a bad person for it. I try not to judge, cuz I think my friends are wonderful and I really love them all, but sometimes I think their behavior is destructive. Or even friends who talk to lots of guys and stuff. I'm always afraid their gonna get hurt or get a bad reputation or something. Ugh, I'm just angry with myself because I always grew up thinking I was good because I had good morals and that everyone who did things that I didn't therefore didn't have good morals. Where do I get off thinking that? I'm such a hypocrite, cuz I'm not a perfect angel. But it's not so much that I think people are bad, cuz I don't. It's more that I want to protect them from things that I think are bad. But still....I'm not a mother and I have to stop acting like one. It's threatening my friendships in the worst ways. It even happens within my family. I yell at my mom a lot for having a bad sleeping pattern because I think it adds to her being tired the next day. But gosh! I have bad sleeping patterns too, and it's not like I'm helping her out so that she can enjoy a full night's rest. Eventually things are gonna be strained between us too, I just know it.
I feel like such a rotten person, and it hurts a lot because I've been spending this whole summer trying to change so I can be a good person. But I think my goal is out of reach. I'm trying to be perfect, and for some reason, I want everyone else to be perfect too. I've been trying to psychoanalyze myself to figure out why I'm like this, but all I can come up with is that I just don't want to see everyone I love hurt themselves. But I know others aren't seeing it that way, and I feel like everyone thinks I'm just really judgemental and think I'm so great and blah blah....but that's not true at all. I just want to protect everyone. But I can't even take care of myself....I'm completely dependent on my parents for everything, so how can I go around trying to take care of everyone else? Especially when they don't need me too!!! Ok, I'm just repeating myself now...I just wish I could figure this out so I can change it before I lose everyone who's important to me.
