Am I unhappy?
Thursday, Jul. 07, 2005 @ 8:46 p.m.
Lately my sands keep bringing to my attention that she thinks I don't know how to be happy, or that I do things to make myself unhappy. We talked about it again today and I'm really starting to think about it. She named off all these thigs that I should be happy about in my life, and for more than half of them I had a negative counter to it in my head. And I remember this one time at the end of the last semester when my club asked me if I were ever happy. It's so weird, cuz I always thought of myself as a happy person. At least I was when I was growing up. But I guess now I've become a lot more pessimistic, and I just always seem to be depressed. What happened to me? What changed? All I can think of is that I'm the kind of gal who wears her heart on her sleeve and is always hoping for good things to happen in life, but of course good things don't always happen, so I get let down a lot. And I remember growing up and just feeling so hurt by anything that I had put hope into because it made me feel like all the fairy tales and happy endings I believed in would never be true. So I guess I hardened up a bit, became more realistic. But now, I've just become negative. I'm not even grateful for a lot of things anymore. And now that my eyes are opening up to this, I realize it's time to change...But how? Once again, I am stuck as to how to make a change in my life and my attitude. How do I go on hoping for things, when the reality is that it most likely won't come true? It sucks that reality is so negative, but it's the truth...that's why it's reality. So what am I supposed to do? I can't seem to find this middle ground that everyone always talks about and seems to adopt so wonderfully. I can't grasp how to have a little bit of hope, but not enough to get your hopes up. If I'm going to believe in it, then I want to with my whole heart...and unfortunately, I have a big one. I mean, I'm glad to have such a big heart because I really care deeply about a lot of people, and just people in general, but I just can't seem to find this balance when it comes to having faith in things. I've just always been let down and that's all I've ever known. Or maybe that's just all I can see...because I know that if I were let down, I wouldn't be at Michigan right now...so I guess all I'm seeing are the times when things didn't work out and the pain it caused. I suppose it's easier to remember the things that hurt you rather than what makes you happy, cuz it usually leaves a deeper impact. So I need to start looking at the positives in my life...but that still doesn't fix the whole hoping issue. I can see the beautiful things that I have now, but how will that help me not get my hopes up about the future? Like with guys, how is being grateful going to help me find the love of my life and keep him?
Maybe being grateful for things is really there to help you when things don't work out. That way, when you're disappointed, you can still count your blessings and the pain won't seem as bad. That makes sense, but can I start using it in my own life? It's gonna be a struggle because that means I'll be vulnerable to disappointment again...I guess I should stop trying to protect myself from things that I can't run away from, but it just doesn't hurt as much when you already expect it to happen. Hm...I really have to think about this.
