so much on my mind...

Friday, Aug. 12, 2005 @ 6:26 p.m.

...and I don't even know where to begin or what I'm trying to get out right now. I guess I've just been reflecting on my summer since it will soon be coming to an end. I'm moving into my dorm on Sunday, and thus will begin the life of RA training (I really hope they gives us even a little freedom, please!). Anyway, it's fair and correct to say that I've basically wasted the entire summer away. I know, my fault, so I'm not going to complain. I'm pretty good about accepting consequences for my own actions. But now that my summer is pretty much done, I'm starting to get scared. I spent all summer being excited for this upcoming year, and I still am, but I'm also afraid. I feel really unprepared. Granted, that's my fault, and I probably am unprepared...but at the same time, I don't know what I'm supposed to be prepared for because I'm starting a bunch of new experiences. I'm going to be an RA AND I'm in a sorority. So I can't really be unprepared for something I've never done before, but I'm still so scared that I am. Like maybe I'm not ready to handle all of this. And maybe I could've studied for some of my classes and whatnot. I dunno why I'm bugging out all of a sudden, but I just feel like there were so many things I could've done this summer to prepare myself for this year. Actually, I know for a fact that that's true...but that doesn't mean I'm going to fail...I guess I just wish I'd done more. But I don't believe in having regrets, so I will take this summer for what it was....an emotionally trying time. And I will accept the blessings that came out of it...I think I've grown up a little, and I fell in love (even if it wasn't returned). I went through some really dark and trying times with myself this summer, and I feel I've ultimately come out of it with a bit more insight on what I believe and desire in my life.

But I'm still worried about myself. My sadness hasn't completely gone away yet, and I'm afraid of it resurfacing. I've been working really hard to see the good in things and be happy, but I can feel everything that brought me down before just lurking around the corner, waiting for a vulnerable moment to attack me again. And I can't have that happen. I'm going to be responsible for an entire floor of underclassmen, so I have to get myself together. I'm trying really hard to be strong, and ultimately, I think I'll win. But that doesn't stop that fear from hiding in the shadows.

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