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Saturday, Dec. 03, 2005 @ 10:54 p.m.
For those of you who know me, I usually have a lot of random thoughts running through my head at once....as is the case right now. The ironic thing is this is usually the time I feel to pour it all out in an entry, but it's also the hardest time because I have trouble separating all my thoughts to make something coherent. But for the sake of just trying to get some things down, I'll try...1. Last night kinda phased me. I went to the Alpha party. I spent a lot of time with my sands at the door cuz I didn't wanna be with all the hot sweaty people (I dunno...sometimes I prefer to be cold and sometimes I prefer to be hot). But eventually I went back in to dance and whatnot. Anyway, I actually got some attention from a male. Like oh my goodness I could just fall over backwards, someone wanted to holla at me! Granted, it's at a party so it doesn't mean anything, but I don't usually get boys feelin' me so much like...ever! So yeah, it was really interesting to say the least. I guess I haven't quite figured out how I feel about it yet. I'm just really phased. But of course, it had to happen at a time when I decided not to talk to guys until I got right with God. So this is either a test from God or there's someone else out there tryin' to mess up my plans. *sigh*
2. On a completely different but similar note (oxymoron, I know), sometimes I don't feel like my presence is wanted by males. Sometimes I feel like I'm not respected as a friend, and I'm seen as more of an annoyance. But I shouldn't act so surprised and hurt all the time because I've always been annoying. I think it just bums me out more because I've been really working on not being so annoying, and making sure I give people space. I guess I just am not seeing many changes...
3. Still on the male topic of course...I've been noticing lately that there actually are some decent guys on this campus (in my eyes at least). I actually do think pretty highly of some of them because there are certain qualities they possess that I admire. My problem is that I really feel like I'm not at their level. I'm just in awe of those men I think are intelligent and passionate and focused, and I'm not saying that I'm not...I just think the areas they excell in may not be those I excell in. Hm...or maybe I should say it like, there are those men on campus who pay attention to what's going on in the world and know their history and see where we are going as people and want to do something about it. And I still feel so behind in that department. I feel like I just need to pick up a book and read about something so I can gain more knowledge, cuz I'm just not there yet. And yes, that is something I plan on doing (if I can even find time to read the things I have to read for class), but yeah...perhaps I put these men on pedastals that are too high because I always feel like I can't reach, and that's why I don't have a chance like those girls who are.
4. I've decided that America's Next Top Model is addicting. I definitely got caught up in the hype today. But I noticed something while I was watching it. When the girls first walked into their house and were all running around screaming and stuff, I tried to imagine how I would act and what I would think. I saw myself actually being very quiet (surprising, yeah) and crying and silently saying a thank you prayer to God. And in the confessional I saw myself saying, "this is the kind of thing that shows me how blessed I am and how much God really does love me." But for some reason, after I had this image, I was a bit preterbed with myself. I questioned, why does it take something so materialistic like a really nice and expensive house for me to feel blessed and loved by God? I do realize that big expensive houses are a big deal for me and something I guess I just...have a thing for, but why can't I feel God's love with something else? I dunno...I'm still really thinking about this one.
5. On a random side note, I was convinced to try out for Bronze Elegance. I dunno yet if I made it, but it's just really interesting cuz it's something I never would've thought about doing. I mean, how many people can really see me modeling clothes? Exactly. And I would always just laugh at the thought, and even kept joking about me auditioning. But when time came, I was actually really nervous and caring about how I did. People kept telling me I did well walking and whatnot, which I guess I just didn't pay attention to before. But the thing that bugs me is that now I'm actually caring about it and kind of wanting to be in the show. And then I when I was watching Am's NTP, I would look in the mirror and try out poses and stuff too. So basically I'm annoyed now cuz these ideas are popping into my head that I really don't want to be there.
6. I've decided that this semester is making me feel really dumb. My classes are harder for me than I thought they would be, and even though I'm passing them all, I just feel dumb because I'm struggling. Spanish is kicking my butt and I'm really feeling down about it. I'm taking a GeoScience class that I'm sure isn't hard to a lot of people, but I just don't get a lot of it. Whatever happened to easy things like ROYGBIV? Instead, now I have to learn about Glaciation and different types of soils. Anyway, I always knew I wasn't a science person, but like Spanish is what's upsetting me the most. My Sociology classes are all right, although Race & Ethnicity is challenging me because of all the different racial theories that I just don't have enough time to really internalize into my brain. So back to Spanish...it's a reading and composition class. I don't have much time to read all the stories, but even when I try it's just sooo hard for me. Yet, I can understand the teacher just fine and still hold conversations with Latinos and whatnot. So I shouldn't feel that bad, right? Well, I do. And it's really making me question my ability to fully understand and perfect this language. I declared my minor this week, but I feel so less confident at the moment that I really wonder if I'll stick with it. I had a paper due on Monday this week that I ended up not turning in until Friday because I freaked out and had the worsts writers block. I'm still upset about it though the teacher is being really nice about it. I'm going to office hours on Monday to discuss it with him.
Well I really think it's time for me to get cracking on this Spanish and Soc homework, so I don't repeat the hellish week that I just experienced.
