I'm feeling lost

Thursday, Dec. 29, 2005 @ 7:11 p.m.

I don't know what I want to do with my life. And since I don't have a long term goal, I don't know what steps to be taking now to help me achieve anything later. Talking to my parents doesn't help because everything I tell them I'd like to do, they try to say they see me doing something else. It's just frusturating because I have so many people telling me who I am, that I start to doubt my own opinion of myself. And I can't make a decision to save my life because I grew up with my parents telling me what to do all the time.

I'm trying to figure out if I wanna go abroad over the summer or do an internship here, but I'm not really finding any internships right now that are going to lead my anywhere in life that I like. Then the ones that are career steps that I'm interested in, I haven't done anything in my past 2.5 years of school to build credentials for myself. How can I intern for a magazine when I haven't done any type of writing besides papers for classes? How can I work at a TV station when I'm not even a communications major? I mean, obviously these are like the far end of the spectrum, but I'm just trying to make a point. And almost everything conflicts with going to my sorority's national conference in July. But when I told my dad about my fear of not getting selected cuz of a lack of credentials, he immediately said I was just making excuses and setting up road blocks for myself. That wasn't my intention, I was just trying to state that maybe it was time for me to get some credentials. Maybe I should write for the Daily (but I don't really like the Daily...), or maybe I should like try and do some TV work for the University or something. But I dunno if those are even my real passions, which my dad said is the reason I'm setting up road blocks. But I'm confused cuz he always says reading and writing are my passions (but I disagree). I dunno, maybe I'm making up excuses cuz I'm scared. I don't think I'm gonna like a lot of the stuff I'm seeing....like I saw an internship working for Atlantic Records and I got excited, until I realized it was basically just promoting the company in your hometown at stores and stuff....I don't really care to do that kind of thing. I'd rather be in the studio learning about how they produce the music. But then why am I not a performing arts technology major like my sands? See, none of this makes sense to me. Every path I've chosen so far has not led me anywhere that ultimately leads to success. Sure I like Sociology, but what can I do with it? I still have yet to see an internship that is looking for Sociology majors. And most of the internships dealing with human rights issues are based in the government, which I have no interest in working for.

I just feel so lost. I feel like I don't know who I am because I have so many other people telling me and making me doubt what I think. And I feel like the things that I'm interested in are not apart of the American Dream. I don't want to do business, or medicine, or law or anything like that. I just like learning about people and the society and other cultures. I like to travel and see other places. I want to go abroad....that's what I want to do. But I can't go abroad during the school year, so that leaves summer. But maybe I should be taking classes abroad instead of just volunteering, which would mean having to do it during the school year. Why does it have to be such a problem? I dunno....I'm basically just rambling because I have so many thoughts and questions right now and I don't know what to do. My parents say they support me, but they don't like anything I've decided so far. I don't think they wanted me to be a Soc major...my dad would rather I explore my options in the US before looking at the rest of the world, my dad wants me to be a journalist but I dunno if that's what I wanna do, then he tells me he thought I wanted to do music but back when I did he didn't want me to.....I'm just so confused.

He tells me to look at the God inside of me and see where my heart leads me, but when I do I still feel like he doesn't approve. He's even trying to tell me not to go to grad school since I haven't decided on a career. I mean, how successful can I be with just a bachelors degree? I thought I was supposed to go graduate school, so why is he trying to talk me out of it?

Why don't know I know what I want to do with my life? Why do I feel like I have no passions? Why do I feel like I'm not good at anything? Why do I feel like everything I'm interested in isn't going to get me very far in life? All these steps I've been taking are making me feel like I'm going to end up nowhere...and I don't know where else to go.

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